Forged in the Fire: Exploring Conflict as Faith Formation

Embracing conflict as an opportunity for growth, for learning, even for faith formation, is not most people’s default setting. But what if it could be?

When I was a youth advisor, I remember the moments when our community stumbled—when a promise was broken, a boundary crossed, or the covenant stretched thin. While others in leadership might sigh in frustration or express disappointment, I would light up and say, “Ooooh, faith formation is about to happen!”

Because it was.

Because it always is, if we let it be.

Of course, it’s easier to feel that way when you’re not the one hurting. When conflict feels like something being done toyou—when you feel blindsided, disempowered, or alone—it’s a different story. Power dynamics, past experiences, and emotional safety all matter deeply. And still, even then, conflict has the potential to teach us something vital. It can offer a mirror, a compass, a nudge toward wholeness.

Conflict invites us to grow in self-awareness, in compassion, in courage. It can reveal where our values live, and where they’re still under construction.

To support that exploration, I’ve developed some reflective questions to help you examine your relationship with conflict. These questions are not about getting it “right." They’re about getting curious and noticing.

A graphic artist (I'm very sorry that I do not remember her name!) recorded a ministerial start-up workshop I facilitated in Oakland. This is her picture of me.

Ready to dive in?

Foundations: Where You’ve Been

• How did you first learn about navigating conflict, formally or informally?

• What have you already tried when you find yourself in conflict? What worked? What didn’t?

• Can you recall a moment when you helped mediate or ease tension between others? What did you draw on to do that?

• When have you engaged in reconciliation or repair, intentionally or unintentionally? What supported you in that?

• What does “competence” mean to you in the context of conflict resolution?

Current Patterns & Self-Awareness

• What happens in you emotionally, physically, or spiritually when you notice conflict surfacing?

• How do you tend to act when you’re trying to resolve conflict? Do you take initiative, hold back, seek to calm, explain, fix, or listen?

• What do you most often hope will not happen in conflict? What do you most often hope will?

• What’s your role in conflict more often: participant, mediator, observer, or avoider? What’s your comfort level with each?

Growing Edges & Aspirations

• What draws you to deepen your skills in conflict resolution, mediation, and repair right now?

• What kind of conflict do you currently feel unprepared to engage with? What makes it challenging?

• In what kinds of relationships or settings, such as work, family, or congregational life, do you want to grow your capacity for reconciliation or repair?

• What qualities would you like to embody more fully during moments of conflict? For example, courage, curiosity, patience, or firmness.

• What kind of presence do you hope to offer others when tensions arise?

Imagining Success

• When you imagine yourself confidently and compassionately navigating a hard conversation, what are you doing, saying, and feeling?

• What does a “successful” resolution look like to you? How do you know when repair has truly happened?

• Think of someone whose conflict style you admire. What do they do that you’d like to learn or practice?

• What would it feel like in your body, spirit, or relationships to be competent and grounded in mediation or reconciliation?

Integration & Practice

• Where in your life right now could you experiment with a new way of approaching conflict?

• What helps you stay in integrity and connection when emotions are high?

• What practices, tools, or frameworks are you curious about exploring more deeply?

• How would you like support or accountability as you build your capacity in this area?

Conflict is rarely comfortable, but it can be sacred. It can be a doorway into deeper knowing: of ourselves, of our values, and of what healing and repair require of us. The work of becoming is ongoing. Conflict, when engaged with care, can be one of its fiercest and most faithful teachers.

You don’t have to explore this terrain alone. A spiritual director or trusted friend can journey alongside you, helping you listen beneath the noise and find the wisdom rising within. You might also journal your reflections, paint your feelings, or map a recent conflict visually. Let your creative spirit guide you.

However you choose to engage, trust that this too can be part of your formation. Not despite the tension, but because of it.