Sometimes I struggle. My body hurts. My spirit hurts. Everything seems to drag and and it feels like I'm moving slow motion through water. I live with chronic conditions that will manifest that way sometimes. Not all the time. But sometimes.
Sometimes my pain is at a "2" and my spirits are high and I'm feeling productive and in love with the world. Sometimes. Not all the time.
And on one of those days, I contemplated how I felt so low just days before. And a swell of deep compassion for myself on those hard days brimmed into this love letter.
My hope is that you will, on a good day, write to your future self on a struggling day some words of love and encouragement, too.
Dear Tandi,
Because you are reading this, I know you are suffering and wondering if your energy will ever come back. I remember it’s a horrible place to be. You wonder if you are a burden. You torture yourself with notions that you can’t carry your load.
Honey, put the load down. Just set it right where you are standing. And go rest. Deep rest. If you’ve forgotten what brings you back, I’ve made a list of 5 things to start with. They may inspire more.
Enjoy a beverage and a book of poetry on the porch swing. Choose love poetry. Receive the passionate verses as if the author was channeling God’s adoration for you.
Water aerobics. But not to build that muscle and burn those calories. Rather to just float and feel the water on your skin. To check in with your class buddies who care about you and who also know struggle.
Bake bread. Knead it. Whisper to it as it rises prayers of encouragement. And then turn those words onto yourself. Bake the bread. And then gobble up those prayers. Use lots of butter as if it’s an instrument of sacrament.
Get lost in a movie. Surrender to the story teller until this spell passes. Let your imagination run with the story just for the sheer pleasure.
Sleep. Really. You have permission.
I know it’s counter intuitive. But what I know is, that when you stop and care for yourself, your energy comes back. In fact, the more you submit and let go, the deeper your well goes and is filled again. There is no shortage of God’s love of you. You just have to stop and receive it.
Your sweet shell, your body, simply can’t keep up with your spirit and your yearning for the world. That is not your fault; it just is. But it can also be your blessing. When you feel that deep drain, that foggy exhaustion, reframe it as God’s call for you to stop and be with her for a while.
The energy that you love will come back. You will feel like the self you’ve grown attached to. Really. But for right now, rest.
Love, yourself
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